I know more than you do. It was this week that I realized Uncle Ben had finally given me the speech, "with great power, comes great responsibility." I could actually say that I knew more than some people here on just one given topic, and its a topic that no one but me cares about. So, why would I say such a thing? To feel better about myself. Yes, I'm insecure, why not? I will find someone else who feels insecure about themselves and we can tell each other that we are smarter than one another. Over and over again. Until our pores are soaked in pretentiousness, and both of us have written our dissertations in the sand, and we will finally feel better about ourselves. Cos' we will have been smarter than you for a few minutes... As after we've written our dissertations down, and you read them, well, you will know what we know, and well, then I'm gonna have to read something else that someone else wrote down to feel smarter than his friends.
I really think that academia was started by a bunch of dudes who wanted to feel better about themselves by writing down something that no one had ever thought of before, and then kept writing things down because they couldn't think of anything else to do. Yeah, not much has changed in that area of evolution since the Gutenberg Bible was printed.
I think at the end of all this, besides having a PhD, I'm looking forward most to wisdom. The book-learning will be great, don't get me wrong. I have every intention of ruining all parties everywhere. However, I think I'm looking forward to the wisdom I'll get at the end of it all. It won't be something I'm conscious of, except in story form (I'll have plenty of stories). But I'll be wiser. Not in a folksy 'don't ruin your appetite' kind of way, but in a 'I didn't know that before' kind of way and in a 'I know what I am doing' kind of way. Cos' right now? I haven't a clue what I'm doing... I know that I'm trying my best. I know that I'm reading a lot. I know that I have written many words down to be evaluated by people smarter and wiser than I. Do I know the true purpose behind it all? Sure. Yeah. I'm totally smarter than you... No. No. Not a chance in hell do I know why I've just spent a week of my life looking at the source material of Measure for Measure.
But I do have faith. Faith that I knew what I was doing when I signed up to this program. Faith that my professors will help me when I don't know what's happening, or why I've lost my mind somewhere in the library and could they help me find it again? Faith.
I know more than you do. That's what I'll keep telling past versions of myself, and keep the faith that future versions of myself are speaking to me. I know more than you do... Oh, and if you are reading this, I've just spent ten days straight writing essays, and I've got two weeks more of this before I can crawl into a corner and cry, so I might be a bit short with you, I might like to buy the world a Coke, I might break into song, I might sleep on your shoulder, I might try drunk cooking, I might kill a plant to feel like God for a moment, I might talk to myself, I might learn something from you and then tell you about it later as if I'm smarter than you. Just go with it. Please. I'll be done with the papers in two weeks.
"Then we have here young Dizzy, and young Master Deep-vow, and Master Copper-spur, and Master Starve-lackey the rapier and dagger man, and young Drop-heir that killed lusty Pudding, and Master Forthright the tilter, and brave Master Shoe-tie the great traveler, and wild Half-can that stabbed Pots, and I think forty more, all great doers in our trade, and are now 'for the Lord's sake!" - Pompey the Great, Measure for Measure (IV.iii.11-18).
Year 1, Day 208: Words Written -- 16,000 (+/- 1,000), Words Stolen from other writers. -- All of them.
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