Dear All,
This is a conglomeration of blog posts that I have begun, and summarily left to be finished at some later date... the first of which was written over three months ago around the New Year. I have decided to clear the baffles, as it were, and post all of my half-assed dimwittery here.
Enjoy.
_____
I've written a chapter. A whole damn chapter of about 25,000 words on one topic. Mostly one topic, though I might have strayed a bit... gone off on a tangent or two... been a little preachy... told one or two long-winded stories... and bored the pants off the readers, who by the way, have read far better things in their lives and still have the patience to give me feedback. God bless them. (NOTE: It ended there.)
_____
I have had a realization, a few in fact, since I begun this journey through academia four and a half years ago. The one that has become less truth and more fact in my mind is the realization that I am not the best at what I do, and despite my early life dreams of changing the world through the myriad of professions that I have attempted, I do not ever want to be the best at what I do. I do not ever want to be at the pinnacle of my profession, nor do I wish to be famous for it. I don't want to write the great American novel or play or pilot for the greatest TV show to have ever graced the medium. I don't ever want the feeling of what comes afterwards, ever.
Bitter celebrity. The resentment that comes with being on the backside and downslope of success is so debilitating that you feel as if your life has ended and yet you still breathe. The world moves on and you stand still because all you see before you is downhill and uninspiring and the end of that wonderful high you once knew. (NOTE: I was remembering my life as a professional swing dancer, and all the crap that came with it.)
______
I've been quite busy recently. Now that one part of my life at the Shakespeare Institute is coming to a close, I think I can speak about it now. I've been the Technical Director for the "Shakespeare & Creativity" MA module... (NOTE: I didn't speak about it, for whatever reason. It's enough to say that in a few months it will be over and I can write about the experience.)
______
I wish that I could disappear into the background sometimes. I wish that I could walk down the street and be just as anonymous as I was on the streets of New York. I want to say, "I don't want to be responsible for you anymore. I've got me, my wife, my life, and my work... I can't deal with you too." (Note to future self -- this was said before any children are in the picture.)
I don't say this because I can't handle any of those things. In fact, I couldn't be happier with me, my wife, my life, and my work. It just seems that I have to hand-hold people who don't share my faith in me, or my ability to handle life. Sometimes it comes in the form of wanting to look out for me, saying to me that I should consider something a little easier for my work or my life. Sometimes it comes in the form of people not wanting to inconvenience me, so they dance around a subject so as not to make a conversation or interaction awkward. Sometimes it comes in the form of them wanting to "make me smile" or "cheer me up" and so they presume that I would enjoy such an interaction because they would enjoy it themselves if someone would only think to do it for them (nudge, nudge... nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? eh? eh?) I have to convince people of my confidence in myself.
Think about that one for a second. Convincing someone that you have confidence in anything, especially yourself, is surreal. It's like trying to convince a lifeguard that you weren't drowning, but were in fact just swimming, all while he is trying to drag you to shore. I guess the only thing I can do is relax and go with it, force a smile and tell them, "fine" and "no problem" as they condescend to me. I'm a grown man. I don't need hand-holding when a good kick in pants will do. I don't need to be tip-toed around, just say what's on your mind. I don't need to be cheered up by you, if I'm frowning while you are talking it probably has something to do with what you are saying to me and not an invitation to keep on spewing.
I appreciate the faith people do have in me. I really do, and I truly wish that I could repay the kindness. It is nice to know that you notice me, and are looking out for me, and that you got my back. I think I need to learn a little more about instilling confidence in those around me, enough for them to know that I got this and they need to stop worrying. I will ask for help, and I will be direct about it when I need it.
If you are reading this, it is highly unlikely that I am talking about you. People who treat me this way do not read this blog. I write it here to get it off my chest. Venting the exhaust, as it were. Don't take this personally, please.
______
Those earthly godfathers of heaven's lights,
That give a name to every fixed star,
Have no more profit of their shining nights,
Than those that walk, and wot not what they are.
Too much to know, is, to know nought but fame;
And every godfather can give a name. -- Berowne (Biron) in Love's Labour's Lost (I.i)
Year 3, Day 177 - Words written: Enough for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment